Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like now if I had stayed and continued to fight for your love, which was a losing game. Would I still be fighting now, or would I have gotten the hint? Would I be knocked up right now? Would I still be waiting to meet the rest of your family? Would your sister like me by now? Would you?
I was clearing some space out of my phone (Beychella took up a lot of storage and let’s be real, I ain’t letting NONE of that go), and ran across some voice memos during some of my desperate times of trying to find your love. A lot of me being confused, even though you gave me a straightforward answer. But I didn’t want to accept it; I knew I deserved the time and space in your life, forcing my love on you with cooking, attention, and sensuality. I questioned why you needed other girls, I confessed to my insecurities, and even turned the tables by reminding you that you had been checking for me even before I knew who you were. But I always made attempts for you to see and appreciate who I was.
I realize now in retrospect, that it was more like control and pettiness- like the back and forth that’s on reality tv and iOS press releases on IG between lovers. It wasn’t healthy. And I wasn’t able to get that clarity or perspective until I found someone who actually loved me, for me. And somehow, the tables turned, and I didn’t think I deserved or was able to be loved in the way I have always wanted. Now I’m trying to believe the sweet words from my love’s lips and believe I’ve done the work to accept happiness and a partner who only wants the best for me. I’m working hard to get past my past and old habits that may work in situationships, but not in something solid.
I think back on that year and a half of my life and laugh. I thought I’d never get through it, but I came out on the other side and so much better. I’ve gained understanding of the depths of love and being in a relationship, oddly, alone. It took me moving to the other side of the country to find the person for me.
I’m so happy for my experience with you. I learned what I never would accept or want to go through again. You made me grow up and want more for myself, and to demand all or none of me when it comes to relationships. Your love, or lack thereof, pushed me to the next step of my destiny- moving to L.A.
So for that, I thank you.
My destiny thanks you.
Also published on Thought Catalog: https://thoughtcatalog.com/jennelle-williams/2018/07/thank-you-for-not-loving-me/